post number forty six

although this blog is far past abused and neglected, i have a once in a lifetime update to make up for it.

just to give you a head ups:

1. i spent an entire afternoon flying around this entire area with my two favorite cousins j & s looking for my whore of a mother and her boyfriend.

2. i had a complete and total mental breakdown.

3. the cat was let out of the bag.

4. my dad came home and mother is no longer residing here.

5. i'm half adopted.

6. i got asked to prom!!!!

where to start, where to start.

i had a sleepover with j the day of the boxing day sales. when i woke up the next morning i had 7439874983 missed calls from aunt k. i thought for sure luke was dead bc who calls that many times before 1030 a.m. but, luke was alive and well. the boyfriend was in town! right from k's living room window she saw arsehole's truck. they even shared glances. fucker knew he was caught then bc d chased him up and down the main drag of placentia! god i loves him.

so then, we got out on the go ourselves to see if we could catch her. d made a few trips too bc he was extra crazy; i'm rather glad he didn't find her. not bc i would have missed her when he killed her, but bc there was no need to go to jail over that scumbag.

i was extra investigative that day tho bc her lie was she was gone for saddlebags. so, i called the place in carbonear and they didn't have any in stock. HA

i really do wonder if she knew she was caught that day...

so the day after this little adventure she comes in my room to tell me that the next night she is going to marystown for a pre new years eve party at some couples house who's names she probably made up. it was bad enough when she'd went before but at least she hadn't admitted to a party. who the hell would have a pre new years eve party? on a thursday night. HELLUR. soo the next day i completely and totally lost my friggin marbles. on my knees, bawling. k said enough is enough and d called pop. told him what was on the go and then ten minutes later the boys are next door, and d, pop and nan are in my kitchen. it was all terribly scary at first bc i didn't know whos said nan would take but that became much clearer when i dialed gary's number and nan asked for tammy. i have never, ever, ever heard my nan scream like that. i think it had a lot to do with the neglect. crazy ass today. i packed up and prepared to move out.

the next day however when dad called to say he was on his way home, my confidence shattered. i was so nervous to see him.. and that idiot txted me to tell me how much she loved me, and how she knew nothing she ever said was going to fix this, and how she understood if i never wanted to see her again but she loved me very much. BULL FUCKING SHIT. i did not reply. she was only sorry she got caught! jesus. and if she loved me so much, where the hell was she? huh? where? bc she sure as hell wasn't home; cooking or cleaning or just taking up space. she was out screwing around and burning dad's money while i cooked, cleaned and raised her children. she took away my childhood. i had to grow up at 12 yrs old. then ppl wonder why i'm 16 going on 85.. like really.  

when dad came home he told her to leave. she had no where to go.. she ended up staying at the b&b. she probably thought she was going to get to wrap everyone around her finger again but it has yet to work on nan and pop; which really impresses me :) up there having a self pity party bc she's hit rock bottom. not eating, not sleeping, not getting dressed or showering. NO BODY THREW HER FROM HER HIGH PEDESTAL. SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF. SHE THREW HER CHILDREN AND HER MARRIAGE. SHE IS THE SAD SORRY EXCUSE OF TAKEN SPACE BC OF HER DECISION AND ACTIONS. SHE IS NOT THE VICTIM. 

on top of all this delightfulness, i found out i am adopted by my dad. my mother was dating a guy from the shore, they broke up, she found out she was pregnant, and i guess he didn't want me. which is funny, bc mom didn't either. so the sole person who has truely been a parent to me, is the man with no blood relation to me. the one who adopted me when i was 5.

after a week and a half, i finally stormed up to the inn to confront her. i was a woman on a mission. then i got there, walked in the room and she looked frightened to death to see me. and rightly so. i wanted to tear her head off. but instead, i said "hi, i'm going to prom"

from there, we talked about dresses, and hair, and paint colors.

i had gone and done exactly what i'd been doing for the five years prior, i pretended. like wtf was i thinking? i should have started yelling before i had my shoes off! when i left the b&b i couldn't stop crying.. i was soooo upset at myself for not bucking up. pop found me in the woods bc he came to check for blood. he figured i'd killed her. but, instead he found me a mess. me and nan and pop then had a huge talk about everything. i got really upset and yelled and ranted and called her everything, and they just listened and tried to understand. it made me feel better.

the hardest part in all this was seeing how hurt and upset dad was. he basically collapsed in my arms that first day. i haven't cried in front of him. since he was crying, i of course took on my 85 yr old role and became the strong one. consoling him, instead of the other way around. he doesn't really seem to be doing any better...

another way that idiot has ruined my life? i have to start seeing a therapist, or a counseller. whatever the damn thing is called. i hate her. i'm gonna pour my heart out and then they'll say how does that make you feel? when i tell them, they'll ask me  how feeling like that makes me feel. fml

uhm, so this thought entered my mind today.. i should write a book. not some foolish one. but about life, my life, my thoughts, whatever. i think my story would be a really money maker, especially with my way with words.. i'm actually considering this, this is highly disturbing.

on a lighter note, r finallly asked me to prom! <3 i am sooo excited it isn't fit. i have my dress selections narrowed down to 2. so if i can pick between the two, then i have to pick what color.. all i know is i'm ecstatic to be going with him <3

i dunno who i'll get for the friend dance tho...

i suppose i'll include a few quotes tonight too, tho the main focus tonight was what i had to say.

You can't live a positive life with a negative mind. 

Let go of the hate. Forget the pain. It's twisted you into someone you don't recognize anymore.

Life is a journey,
not a guided tour

The greatest pleasure in life, is doing what people say you cannot do

"What is love? Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, is your voice caught within your chest? That isn’t love, that’s just lust. Are you proud and eager to show them off? That isn’t love, it’s pride. Do you want them because you know they’re there? That isn’t love, it’s loneliness. Are you there because it’s what everyone wants? That isn’t love, it’s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand? That isn’t love, it’s low self esteem. Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt them? That isn’t love, it’s pity. Do you belong to them because when you see them your heart skips a beat? That isn’t love, it’s infatuation. Do you pardon their faults because you care about them? That isn’t love, it’s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they’re the only one you think of? That isn’t love, that’s a lie. Are you willing to give up your favorite things for their sake? That isn’t love, it’s charity. Does your heart break when they’re sad? That’s love. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? That’s love. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close, and holds you there? That’s love. Do you accept their faults, because it’s part of who we are? That’s love. Are you attached to others but stay with your love, without regret? That’s love. Would you give them your heart, your life your death? Think about it for a second." 

I see myself as a crayon. I may not be your favorite color, but I know someday, you will need me to complete your picture.  

"We hadn't talked in weeks, and here we are, again. Talking, laughing, goofing off like we did months ago. How could this happen? How could I fall for you, again?"

Insomnia is a kind of torture. Because while the world is fast asleep, you're up all alone, your mind buzzing with every random thought in the universe. And sometimes, the thoughts will reach a standstill, and your mind goes blank. You become more aware of the silence. And it is during this moment that you realize how alone you are.

 

i've always wanted a tattoo of a quote written around my wrist. it's what i should have done with my first one! however, i think i found one that i very appropriate.

the wounded are strong; they knew they can survive.