post number forty

	You are what you fight for.

i watched the blindside yesterday. excellent, excellent movie. loved it! i started crying within in the first few minutes and continued to cry until the end. it was really emotional.but i loved it.

me and best friend had a sleepover last night and it was the most fun i've had in a long time. we were so giddy it's atrocious hahah,, we laughed and laughed and laughed until we passsed out. we're gonna leave together and go away :) i'm going to send away for college applications tonight so we can figure everything out <3

me and r are doing great.. i'm really exctied about that. we didn't get to hang out this weekend like we were supposed to but that's oka, it's the thought that counts. conversation last night was epic: "now mind ya i'd be fine with it" hahah

however, i have yet to be asked to prom. and this is worrying me :|

as stupid as it sounds, i can't stop thinking about whether or not i should get my bangs cut. to have bangs, or not to have bangs, that is the question..

im really excited about the things i asked for for christmas this year. and i got sarah's gift yesterday so that's a major plus.. but i feel like i need something else to go with it...

what am i gonna get meghan?

i realllllllyyyy want another tattoo. but now that my bone chest bone and been voted outt.. i'm not so sure. the wrist (which was the first place i ever wanted one is my obvious choice..but i am lost as to what i want and where. it'ss be more words i can almost gaurantee that. 

tomorrow is tuesday and i love tuesdays so i guess i'll see how that goes.

i need to find something to wear to the christmas formal.. i'm fucked...

Tennessee Williams once wrote, "We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it." - Lucas, One Tree Hill

No decision you make is wrong as long as it`s yours.

All hands on deck boys.

This ship was meant to sink.

A woman knows when you look into her eyes

and see someone else.

--The Notebook

 Keep talking shit;

You're making me famous.

Okay, if I'm a dumb bitch

then you're an illiterate hoe,

& that's more English than you'll ever know

post number thirty nine

so today i was in an excellent mood. then sis txted me and informed me that r fucked another whore last weekend the same night she fucked his best friend. horny prick. i feel the need to punch him.

i gotta work tomorrow.. 3-11, i'm gonna die. ugh

s is fucking me up big time. he always does this..

me and r are possibly hanging this weekend..

and i think me and m and j are going to town to watch hp (best movie EVER)

i really don't have much to say tonight, too letdown.

christmas decorating this weekend <3

hhhh

i was very impressed with my quotes tonight, enjoy.

xo 

..i am ready for another tattoo. after christmas?

Look at it this way:
It's one more person that you know
isn't your soulmate. So you are that
much closer to finding him.

when you see something from afar,
you develop a fantasy. but when you see it up close,
9 times out of 10, you wish you hadn't.

"Three can keep a secret, if two are dead"
-Benjamin Franklin

if i'm gonna go down, i'm gonna do it with style.you won't hear me surrender, you won't hear me
confess. cause you left me with nothing,
but i've worked with less.

You and I could make

the world so jealous.

if you don't understand my silence,
then you don't deserve my words

great minds discuss ideas.
average minds discuss events.
small minds discuss people.

^ i am still in love with that dress..

People don't change things,
Things change people.

I'm kind of faded,
but I feel alright.


Don't stress over people from the past.
There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.   

Creativity is allowing
yourself to make mistakes.
Art is knowing which
ones to keep.
-Charles Schultz 

   

A lie can travel halfway around the world,
while the truth is still putting on its shoes.

The biggest fish in the river gets that way by never being caught.

	There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. ++ Denis Waitley

I make no apologies for how I choose
to repair what you broke
- Grey's Anatomy

Don't worry about knowing people.
Make yourself worth knowing.

i don't believe in the word 'regret'.
i believe in the phrase :
you fucked up, now learn from it.

  In order to be walked on,
you have to be lying down

so tell me now, what hurts more.
thinking you should hate him,
or knowing that you don't?

and you still mean
everything to her ;;
you're just not worth
the fight anymore.

i've heard sorry a million times.
but honey; it's not a mistake
if you do it twice.

Stop staring.
It just makes your obsession look more pathetic.

         

post number thirty eight

so saturday was one hell of a party. r was there :)

me and my dearest old friend e had a chat in some strangers car.. i hope he didn't dent anything when he was punching everything..  hopefully he feels better soon <3

2 more weeks till c gets homeee, wahhoooo.

i got hit with a garbage bucket today.. it was not a pleasurable experience. i can't stand when people lose their temper. although i better get used to it. 

"you love me"

"ya caught me"

i hate when ppl txt you to hook up. battter.

lotssaa lovely regrets from the party but oh well.. when isn't there.

i don't have much to say tonight bc i am tired and crooked.

my daddy is home tho (: 

there's a difference between giving up and
letting go. giving up is sacrificing what was rightfully
yours, and letting go is forgetting what never was.

Don't envy anybody.
every person has something that no one else has.
develop that one thing in yourself,
and make it outstanding.

Well, when he doesn't talk to me for a few months again, yeah, I'm going to regret letting myself fall for him again. But right now, this is all I've wanted for a year. So, I am letting it happen.

Why is it that just when you get things together, you hear from the one person who could pull it all apart?

you keep saying, "yeah, i'm over him" but it
seems like you're trying to convince yourself
of something, rather than trying to tell me.

i think the hardest part about this situation is neither of us knows what's going on. neither of us knows what the other is thinking and we're both trying to make decisions based on the information we don't know.

i feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people i know. i believe this is because chances are i'll never see them again and i feel like i can say anything i want. they don't know my past or what i've done. they can only judge me on who they're seeing right at that second. i'm the person i am now, not then. people i know don't see the difference 

you know things aren't going well for you when you
can't even tell people the simplest fact about your life,
just because they'll presume you're asking them to feel
sorry for you.

 

i could tell you his favorite colors
green. he loves to argue, born on
the seventeenth. his sister beautiful.
he has his father's eyes and if you
ask me if I love him, i'd lie

and in ten years when we pass each other
on the street, i'll turn my head and pretend
i didn't see you but just remember that
i am so proud of who you've become..

after a year in therapy my psychiatrist
said to me "maybe life isn't for everyone"

Holding the truth in is almost
as hard as speaking it.

take a picture with me
just so i can see how cutewe could be together.

just because i laugh a lot
doesn't mean i dont cry.

You have such a pretty smile; it's a shame the things you hide behind it.

don't risk anything you aren't willing to lose

She said, "I never really thought I'd need this."
I said, "My goal is to be cigarettes to you."
It might sound dangerous but that just means it's worth it.
I said, "I wanna get the shakes out lady."
She said, "You don't know what you're getting into boy.
This is a story where the epilogue is endless."

"the people who know the least about
you, always have the most to say."

"You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are,
just because somebody else has a problem with it."
-Sex & The City

post number thirty seven

i'm back. although it may have seeemed like i droppped off the face of the earth, i unfortunately have not. i definitely considered the underside of the bridge today but, i am as i said, still here.

yuck

things are pretty intense here lately. setting up a chat with my uncle. and it scares the hell out of me. i am about to ruin my family. yay me. why is it always up to me? everyone around me says, oh it's not my place, or it's not this ones place.. why the FUCK is it my'n? i am the 16 yr old mother hen, that doesn't mean it is my place. jesus, i am so sick of having to do everything in this house. include break my fathers heart.

god dammit

on a lighter note me and r are talking lots. but hey, i still haven't recieved an invite to prom :(

i gets tosee hp saturday!! i cannot wait. although i am very nervous about driving in with phicks :|

i wish i was going with j :( we're hp buds. but it didn't seem like it was gonna happen so... hp premiere next year no matter WHAT. i'm almost excited for breaking dawn. however, it is being broken into two movies -_-

oh no, i just realized i have to wear 3d glasses for the moviee.. i alreadyyy have glassess.

hmm.. what else to tell you.
 whore just asked me what i wanted engraved on my ipod.. i told her:
"well-behaved women 
rarely make history)

i am very poor. i never worked a second this pay period. didn't realize hours would be this far and few between.. i won't even remember how to do anything by the time i go back. if i do.

anways, i'll shut up and hunt down some quotes for you. enjoy

p.s. found a dress today that may equal my love for the hunter green one. lemme kno what you think

xo

it's my responsibility as your best friend
to make sure you do exciting things
even when y ou don't want to.
- - Gilmore Girls

 (thanks m hahah)

Aerodynamically, the bumblebee
Shouldn't be able to fly,
But the bumblebee doesn't know it,
So it keeps flying anyway.

thanks for making me a fighter

Everyone in town wanted to be around you,
this went on for awhile until they finally found you. 

  

post number thirty six

i'm tired and tomorrow is picature day. hopefully ma new specs will make for a loverly picature. i have a headache though so i am not staying up. got a new pea coat today.. it's positively gorgeous.

i still want to go to the god forsaken prom. 

ove is like grass. If you fall on it, it may leave a stain and some temporary pain. But you'll get over the pain, it will eventually stop hurting. Now maybe the stain ruined your favorite pair of jeans, or maybe it was nothing special that was ruined, but either way the stain remains there. And with time it will begin to fade, but it will always be there, a permanent reminder that you, too, once fell.

When you can't be with the one you love, will you stay with the one who loves you?

Whoever gossips to you... will gossip about you

i myself am made entirely of flaws
stitched together with good intentions.

i rise in the morning torn between the desire
to improve the world, and the desire to enjoy
the world. this makes it hard to plan my day

you weren't a mistake;
just a mean realization that
i could do better.

you're only sorrybecause you got caught

Courage is not the absense of fear
but the judgement of something
that is more important.

"If you didnt have pain you wouldnt
know what good felt like."
- Tyra Banks

you keep saying, "yeah, i'm over him" but it
seems like you're trying to convince yourself
of something, rather than trying to tell me.    

  

  

post number thirty five

my goodness there was a serious lack of quotes tonight. i looked on sites and i googled and i could barely find a thing! very frustrating.

i heard from my aunt t today. so nice to talk to her. we're making plans now which i find extra especially exciting.

so to this point, three of my best friends have been invited to prom. i'm gonna kick his ass if he doesnt ask me. i really truely will. i am not kidding. he will die. bc if he wasn't gonna ask me he shouldn't have told everyone he was going to. like honestly, way to get my hopes up.

he got promoted today though, i was so proud <3

it was remembrance day today. extra especially cold day. i loves my uncle mike extra lots on days like this..

i really miss my daddy.. come home.

this is a sad sorry excuse for an update but its all you're getting so deal with it.

"Isn't this like when you took Theo to the Army? Theo isn't in the Army."
"The Army wouldn't take Theo. The basement will take you."
- Vanessa and Cliff in A Room With No View


"Why couldn't they have had an essay question that said, "Write the story of Icarus"? I would have cleaned up on that."
"Because this is not Burger King! You cannot have it your way!"
- Theo and Cliff in Theo's Gift  

loves my bestestfriend

Meredith: You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared, because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.

Izzie: God got a virgin pregant by magic. He's not playing by the rules.

Alex: Let's say you were drafted to a team that wasn't your first pick. You know, you don't like the players. You hate the way they play the game. You even think the quarterback is full of crap. The quarterback's a pain in the ass you don't owe a damned thing to. But, it's your team. You don't quit. You don't talk to the press. You don't **** to the coach. You just, you just go out there every Sunday and you make the blocks and you take the hits and you, you play to win. You show up and you suit up and you play, because it's your freaking team.

Meredith - Stop looking at me

Derek - I'm not looking at you

Meredith - You, are looking at me, and you watch me, and Finn has plans, and I like Finn, he's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy. And I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!

Derek - You think I wanna look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married! I have responsibilities! She doesn't drive me crazy, she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal, she doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you. 

Cristina: did you bring liquor?

Joe: i brought pie!

Cristina: you're a bartender!!!!?!?
Joe: Did u bring a scalpel??

Dr. Mark Sloan: How come you can forgive her and not me?
Dr. Derek Shepherd: I didn't forgive her and with you I have no obligation to pretend.

post number thirty four

trying to decide what i want for christmas is harder this year than it ever was! the only things floating in my heads are ipods and ipads but i'm not even jumping out of my skin about them.. wth do i want? really i want thousands and thousands of dollars worth of louis vuitton but that's not gonna happen. 

i added some really interesting picture of fondant cakes at the bottom. i've been obsessed with them since i started watching cake boss. the other cakes just don't cut it for me anymore. i have a feeling the ones i want are far past not happening.. however a girl can dream can't she?

r is of course at the forefront of my mind tonight.. he is an idiot. i wish he'd just ask me to prom. bc i could really use something to kick my ass into walking everyday. and dress shopping is much more fun when you actualllyyy need something to wear it to. if you remember from previous posts where i put some samples of what i like, the only two i can't decide between is the ivory lace one and the long hunter green one. both are beautiful but both definitely require me and my walking shoes.

worked my first full shift since may yesterday. it was a fuck of a lot more painful than it should of. however i worked with n and he is beyond fine! i'd do him. however, he is 25. god damn age laws. speaking of age, some gorg emt came in to the store with aunt k on an ambulance run and he asked her later my name and how she knew me bc he thought i was his age (26). damn, i told her to give him my contact info. she of course responded with dream on. at least someoneee appreciates me and all my finesse. hehe

i cannot believe how close christmas is. i hope i make enough money in the next month to buy some gifts.. i think my list this year is meg, sarah, nan/pop, mom/dad, karen/desi, luke, fran/mike, thelma/harold.. is that all? jesus i hope so. 
i'm mostly lost on sarah. she is so god damn hard to buy for and heaven for freaking bid she drop a hint. i'd be less miserable to just buy an ipad for her. look the hell out. meg shouldn't be too bad.. and the rest is w/e i come across. roadrunner will be lucky to get anythingg
i am so sick of cleaning lately.. the laundry is endless and the mess is the kitchen and livingroom is friggin endlesssss
school is going really good lately. i've recently come across my love of chemistry. but even with all the money is say, pharmacuticals(sp) that doesn't interest me.. i always go back to my love of teaching and helping others. i've been told my entire life that i have a knack for it and that it'd be a waste not to use such a skill. bc i love when we have an upcoming test or something and i always know the material inside and out without studying and can just explain/tutor all my friends. it's great. especially in chem and english. even history usually..
i've always loved science (except bio). as interesting as i find physics.. it's a lot of math and i'd be frazzled by the time i was 35. although all the good scientists were mad.
lots of good rambling tonight but i'm getting my thoughts straightened out.
lots of meltdowns with the friends tonight, i'm sure it'll be straightened out directly.
there's talks of me and a new car. my fingers are crossed so tightly i think they may be broken!

WHAT THE HELL DO I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS?

To truly, I mean really love anotheris to be able to look at the personwith someone else and still manageto say -- I'm happy for you.

Never take someone for granted.

Hold every person close to your heart

cause you might wake up one day & realize

that you`ve lost a diamond while you were

too busy collecting stones.

God forbid you are an ugly girl,

but being too pretty is also your doom.

Because everyone has a secret hatred

for the prettiest girl in the room.

I really don’t understand how it makes

a difference in what you believe if you never stand up to defend it.

 don't mistake

coincidence with fate

  

  Now is our time to shine.  With opportunities to dream and possibilities vast.  Now is the time for all of us to become the people we've always dreamed of being.  This is life.  You're here.  You matter.  The world is waiting.

-One Tree Hill

Knowing that something
will never happen

doesn't make you
want it any less.

if I’m not what you
want,then don’t act like I am.

She doesnt let the world know that she likes him; she doesn't change completly around him. She's just her, and she just happens to always be thinking of him, she won't be a slut and try to get him that way; he can fall for her, the real her, if he wants.

whoever you think is watching you dance

from across the room, they aren't. if

anything, they feel sorry for you. cause you

try so hard. you're a has-been that never was.

Dear Cupid ;

we need to have a little talk about your aim

So what if I’m a bitch?

you're a whore.

and I’d rather be known

for what i do

than who I do.

I'm a slut because I'll wear shorts & a tanktop,

I'm anorexic because I eat as much as I want & don't gain weight,

I'm a bitch because I don't let you push me around,

I'm a liar because I won't tell you everything,

I'm stupid because sometimes I'm wrong,

I'm ugly because my face isn't perfect,

I'm a whore because I like boys,

I'm annoying because I'm not chill enough,

I'm a loser because I'm not friends with your group,

I use people because I do what's best for me,

I'm fake because most of the time I'm happy,

I'm weird because I'm not like you,

I'm controlling because I get mad sometimes,

I'm clingy because I like to be around people,

I'm greedy because I like to be satisfied,

I'm naive because I'm younger than you,

I'm conceited because I'm proud of who I am,

I'm rude because my manners aren't perfect,

I'm unappreciative because I don't praise you.

Don't try to tell me who I am because I already know.

Never do anything you

wouldn't want to explain

I’m not upset that you lied to me. I'm

upset that from now on, I can`t believe you.

Yeah you’re right;

I was the one that said

"things changed"

But sweetie you,

you were the one

that proved it.

& now you decide to push me away?

don`t bother. I`m walking.

I just might be the girl

who get's hit by a parked car

& For the first time in a long time,
I just don't care about us anymore.

Best friends;
the ones that you can
get mad at for only an hour because,
you have important stuff to tell them

 it's true what they say, old habits are hard
to break, but you'll always remain nothing
but my most tempting mistake

My stomach hurts because people
keep feeding me bullshit & I'm gonna
throw it all up in their faces.

Best friendsYou fight;; I fight
You cry;; I cry
You jump off a bridge;; I jump in a paddleboat to save your stupid ass

sometimes i just want to push you
into the oncoming traffic but
then I realize I'd kill myself trying to save you

i want someone to tell me that

they love the way i talk in circles,and how it makes perfect sense.

don't fall for the boy next door.
believe me, he'll move.

the key  to success is trying when

everyone else tells you to give up.

last year.. long hair.. skinny.. ugh

i want one of these puppiessss

gotsa die my hair zis colour!

 
i often wonder if i'll ever survive...