last post.

farewell faithful readers. this fantastical blog has carried me through soo much these past few months. it's the only reason i didn't go crazy. my favorite part about it is i had followers. who enjoyed my updates!








oh .. wait. did i mention that i'm not techincally leaving the blogging community?
oops
catch me if you can at http://formerdoormat.wordpress.com
hopefully this time you guys will actually "like" the posts and leave comments. loves me some feedback people.


yours truely, a much happier me.

post number forty six

although this blog is far past abused and neglected, i have a once in a lifetime update to make up for it.

just to give you a head ups:

1. i spent an entire afternoon flying around this entire area with my two favorite cousins j & s looking for my whore of a mother and her boyfriend.

2. i had a complete and total mental breakdown.

3. the cat was let out of the bag.

4. my dad came home and mother is no longer residing here.

5. i'm half adopted.

6. i got asked to prom!!!!

where to start, where to start.

i had a sleepover with j the day of the boxing day sales. when i woke up the next morning i had 7439874983 missed calls from aunt k. i thought for sure luke was dead bc who calls that many times before 1030 a.m. but, luke was alive and well. the boyfriend was in town! right from k's living room window she saw arsehole's truck. they even shared glances. fucker knew he was caught then bc d chased him up and down the main drag of placentia! god i loves him.

so then, we got out on the go ourselves to see if we could catch her. d made a few trips too bc he was extra crazy; i'm rather glad he didn't find her. not bc i would have missed her when he killed her, but bc there was no need to go to jail over that scumbag.

i was extra investigative that day tho bc her lie was she was gone for saddlebags. so, i called the place in carbonear and they didn't have any in stock. HA

i really do wonder if she knew she was caught that day...

so the day after this little adventure she comes in my room to tell me that the next night she is going to marystown for a pre new years eve party at some couples house who's names she probably made up. it was bad enough when she'd went before but at least she hadn't admitted to a party. who the hell would have a pre new years eve party? on a thursday night. HELLUR. soo the next day i completely and totally lost my friggin marbles. on my knees, bawling. k said enough is enough and d called pop. told him what was on the go and then ten minutes later the boys are next door, and d, pop and nan are in my kitchen. it was all terribly scary at first bc i didn't know whos said nan would take but that became much clearer when i dialed gary's number and nan asked for tammy. i have never, ever, ever heard my nan scream like that. i think it had a lot to do with the neglect. crazy ass today. i packed up and prepared to move out.

the next day however when dad called to say he was on his way home, my confidence shattered. i was so nervous to see him.. and that idiot txted me to tell me how much she loved me, and how she knew nothing she ever said was going to fix this, and how she understood if i never wanted to see her again but she loved me very much. BULL FUCKING SHIT. i did not reply. she was only sorry she got caught! jesus. and if she loved me so much, where the hell was she? huh? where? bc she sure as hell wasn't home; cooking or cleaning or just taking up space. she was out screwing around and burning dad's money while i cooked, cleaned and raised her children. she took away my childhood. i had to grow up at 12 yrs old. then ppl wonder why i'm 16 going on 85.. like really.  

when dad came home he told her to leave. she had no where to go.. she ended up staying at the b&b. she probably thought she was going to get to wrap everyone around her finger again but it has yet to work on nan and pop; which really impresses me :) up there having a self pity party bc she's hit rock bottom. not eating, not sleeping, not getting dressed or showering. NO BODY THREW HER FROM HER HIGH PEDESTAL. SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF. SHE THREW HER CHILDREN AND HER MARRIAGE. SHE IS THE SAD SORRY EXCUSE OF TAKEN SPACE BC OF HER DECISION AND ACTIONS. SHE IS NOT THE VICTIM. 

on top of all this delightfulness, i found out i am adopted by my dad. my mother was dating a guy from the shore, they broke up, she found out she was pregnant, and i guess he didn't want me. which is funny, bc mom didn't either. so the sole person who has truely been a parent to me, is the man with no blood relation to me. the one who adopted me when i was 5.

after a week and a half, i finally stormed up to the inn to confront her. i was a woman on a mission. then i got there, walked in the room and she looked frightened to death to see me. and rightly so. i wanted to tear her head off. but instead, i said "hi, i'm going to prom"

from there, we talked about dresses, and hair, and paint colors.

i had gone and done exactly what i'd been doing for the five years prior, i pretended. like wtf was i thinking? i should have started yelling before i had my shoes off! when i left the b&b i couldn't stop crying.. i was soooo upset at myself for not bucking up. pop found me in the woods bc he came to check for blood. he figured i'd killed her. but, instead he found me a mess. me and nan and pop then had a huge talk about everything. i got really upset and yelled and ranted and called her everything, and they just listened and tried to understand. it made me feel better.

the hardest part in all this was seeing how hurt and upset dad was. he basically collapsed in my arms that first day. i haven't cried in front of him. since he was crying, i of course took on my 85 yr old role and became the strong one. consoling him, instead of the other way around. he doesn't really seem to be doing any better...

another way that idiot has ruined my life? i have to start seeing a therapist, or a counseller. whatever the damn thing is called. i hate her. i'm gonna pour my heart out and then they'll say how does that make you feel? when i tell them, they'll ask me  how feeling like that makes me feel. fml

uhm, so this thought entered my mind today.. i should write a book. not some foolish one. but about life, my life, my thoughts, whatever. i think my story would be a really money maker, especially with my way with words.. i'm actually considering this, this is highly disturbing.

on a lighter note, r finallly asked me to prom! <3 i am sooo excited it isn't fit. i have my dress selections narrowed down to 2. so if i can pick between the two, then i have to pick what color.. all i know is i'm ecstatic to be going with him <3

i dunno who i'll get for the friend dance tho...

i suppose i'll include a few quotes tonight too, tho the main focus tonight was what i had to say.

You can't live a positive life with a negative mind. 

Let go of the hate. Forget the pain. It's twisted you into someone you don't recognize anymore.

Life is a journey,
not a guided tour

The greatest pleasure in life, is doing what people say you cannot do

"What is love? Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing, is your voice caught within your chest? That isn’t love, that’s just lust. Are you proud and eager to show them off? That isn’t love, it’s pride. Do you want them because you know they’re there? That isn’t love, it’s loneliness. Are you there because it’s what everyone wants? That isn’t love, it’s loyalty. Are you there because they kissed you or held your hand? That isn’t love, it’s low self esteem. Do you stay for their confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt them? That isn’t love, it’s pity. Do you belong to them because when you see them your heart skips a beat? That isn’t love, it’s infatuation. Do you pardon their faults because you care about them? That isn’t love, it’s friendship. Do you tell them every day that they’re the only one you think of? That isn’t love, that’s a lie. Are you willing to give up your favorite things for their sake? That isn’t love, it’s charity. Does your heart break when they’re sad? That’s love. Do their eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts? That’s love. Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and relation pulls you close, and holds you there? That’s love. Do you accept their faults, because it’s part of who we are? That’s love. Are you attached to others but stay with your love, without regret? That’s love. Would you give them your heart, your life your death? Think about it for a second." 

I see myself as a crayon. I may not be your favorite color, but I know someday, you will need me to complete your picture.  

"We hadn't talked in weeks, and here we are, again. Talking, laughing, goofing off like we did months ago. How could this happen? How could I fall for you, again?"

Insomnia is a kind of torture. Because while the world is fast asleep, you're up all alone, your mind buzzing with every random thought in the universe. And sometimes, the thoughts will reach a standstill, and your mind goes blank. You become more aware of the silence. And it is during this moment that you realize how alone you are.

 

i've always wanted a tattoo of a quote written around my wrist. it's what i should have done with my first one! however, i think i found one that i very appropriate.

the wounded are strong; they knew they can survive.

 

post number forty five

last week of school before christmas! so for anyone out there who has been following my blog, i am back again! things have been really crazy lately. we had our annual trip to town with cadets. which equaled an entire day with the oh so lovely r

i must say i greatly enjoyed myself. my bestestfriend was oh so very intelligent and hooked us up with sitting together for the entire ride. she even put her feet up and smooshed  us together right on the inside. it was an hour and a half of pure divinity. oh my, i loves when someone lets something slip an you know its about you, but they wont tell you. and you can see it on their face why they can't tell you but you know youll never get the gratification of hearing it out loud. maybe some day. we've been talking extra lovely ever since.

old boy back from the past too, though i don't think you'll be hearing much about him. gr he's gorg though

i am very excited for my presents. its terrible of me, but i can't help but be excited. i am banking on my auntie helga crumbling and taking me boxing say because i have NO clothes. and i'm not exaggerating. it's a wonder i'm not here in school in my underwear. 

one of my biggest pet peeves is when there is something wrong with someone and they won't just tell you they've got something on the go. they'll huff and they'll puff and roll their eyes at the sound of your voice! for fucksakes, i don't care that you didn't tell me there is something wrong.. just don't expect me to have a 6th sense and realize that you're upset.

my oh so great plan of moving out in january is about to be sorely fucking tested because my uncle is now going away. and i'd really prefer not to talk to big old daddy alone. hoebag was gone down to her partner in crimes last night. me and dad and nick had a grand laugh watching elf. good glimpse of the future if i do say so myself. 

sadly enough, here at this moronic establishment of a teaching facility, xanga sites are blocked and i cannot include any quotes or picture. you'll just have to enjoy my ramblings till later this evening <3

xoxo, mother hen.          

post number forty four

wow.. 44 posts. that's a pretty impressive number.
this week has been great so far. roadrunner went to marystown for the night and i got to stay home allll alone :) so i went to a party saturday night in placentia. it was r's crowd. i had a really good friggin time and met some cool new ppl that i didn't no before. i wish everyone would stop making such a big deal about it. so i got some new friends and there different from what you're used to.. get the FUCK over it. bc i'll seriously lose it. grrr
r brought me to piano today; he's the cutest <3
i'm tutoing tomorrow and babysitting friday so that spells lots of monies for town saturday :)
i found xmas presents at nan's today, yay!
ae jeans, xmas top hat i wanted (although opening it xmas morning will be too late...), notebook, ugly bracelet, beauty and the beast, chi straightener..
i have still not been asked to prom :(
i don't have a new years dress yet.. that's reallllly stressful. i need to figure out how to be in two places at one.
i loveeee biggest loser; live finale in five minutes!!
i don't really have too much to say,, i am doing this only to shut k up hahaha
ill have a better update tomorrow and ill actually hunt up some pictures and quotes for ya ;)


xo


p.s. christmas is getting closer hoe bag.. you'll soon be out on your sorry asss!

post number forty three

and yay, it's time for the cold again. man's favorite game is to play hot and cold, i swear. i have been thinking about after highschool a lot lately.. ideally id like to get an apartment in nova scotia with herself. orr an apartment in the states bc i have always wanted to go to harvard. and i very much intend to apply. i'd never forgive myself if i don't. 

you change your mind
like a girl changes clothes

cause you're hot then you're cold
you're yes then you're no
you're in then you're out
you're up then you're down 

im very excited that c is home.. now if only he can talk some sense into r.. hmm

he told c that he is thinking about asking me to prom. great, can he just ask me. i am dreading the moment when p walks up and says r just asked so and so.

math and phyics is painful lately and the reason is beyond stupid. gr i need serious help.

we were supposed to have a trip to town with cadets this weekend but now we're not. it's next weekend. which really dents up my plans bc by next week we may not even be looking at each other. fuck me gently. 

And it seems to be thatAll along, the problem was,
I cared more about you,Than you cared about me.


Just because somebody flirts with you, doesn't mean they like you. Just because somebody likes you, doesn't mean they want to go out with you. Just because somebody wants to go out with you, doesn't mean they love you. Just because somebody loves you, doesn't mean they won't hurt you. Because people lie, things change. boyfriends cheat, best friends ditch. And there are always going to be those people who would kill to see you fall.


In this weird and twisted way I know you miss me,
not cause I wanna believe its true but cause you'll
never find a girl that can put up with you, you`ll neverfind a girl who will care as much as I did, cause no
one else will waste all their love on someone like you


She's just a silly girl.
who keeps her hopes too high and her jeans too low.
who lives by quotes & can`t ever seem to say
the right thing at the right time.
she's just another pretty girl looking for herself in a big world.
who just wants someone to love her,
and then everything would be alright.


I'm so surprised that I have this
kind of patience to wait for you.


Maybe one day the sky will be purple, Coach & Louis Vuitton won't cost a single penny, you'll be able to sleep on soaking wet hair & when you wake up it will be perfectly straightened, & love will actually mean something. Yeah, that'll be the day.


You look. He looks. You walk away
wondering if your look had the same
affect on him, that his did on you.


someone's opinion is how others look at you. your attitude shows how you look at yourself.


You have such a pretty smile; it's a shame the things you hide behind it.


You know how after you take a hot shower, the mirror is foggy? & then you write "I love him". Then a few moments later its gone forever ....or so you think. But its not until the next time you take a hot shower it will appear again in the exact same spot. it's like it's engraved in the mirror or something. well, that's how you are in my heart. I finally feel like i have disposed of my feelings for you & that I don't care about you anymore but then it all comes back to me. How much i love you & how much I need you in my life. I guess you'll stay in my heart forever. I love you.


The process of growing up
was nothing more than
figuring out what doors
hadn't yet been slammed in your face.


because for me, it's always been you,always.
i've tried to fight it ; i've tried to deny it
but i can't, you're undeniable.
- The OC


my thoughts are choking
on you, my dear.


and they say we'll never see half as much as they
did. it's true that we never saw Vietnam or World
War Two. we didn't see our mother's cry when
John F. Kennedy died but we've lived our whole
lives being told that we're just not good enough.
we've seen anorexia and bulimia because skinny
just isn't skinny enough. we saw Columbine and
watched the Twin Towers fall. we've seen a lot of
greed and even more hate. our generation fights
a different kind of war but we've seen just as
much as them.. and maybe even more.


please don't turn this into something it's not
i can only give you everything i've got.

the brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.


[38]
I don't know why, I've always been big on happy endings.
you see, to me, the most romantic, beautiful love stories ever
were the ones where two people meet, fall in love, and then
fifty or sixty years later, one of them dies and then a few
days after that the other one dies because they just can't bear
to live without each other.


The greatest mistake in life is to
fear you'll always be making one.

if you want what you've
never had you have to do
what you've never done

hope never
abandons you,
you abandon it.




& just because your eyes are
open doesn't mean you can see




but once you throw a stone,
there are ripples in the pond
even if you remove the rock.




Strut you stuff
& Let him know that he
didn't break you

post number forty two

the problem with guys:
they make you believe they love you
when they don't.
* the problem with girls:
they make you believe they don't love you
when they do.

my old man always swore
that hell would have no flame.
just a front row seat
to watch your true love pack her things
and drive away.

"Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason.
... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, evrything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."
I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was desribing, not the other way around.
--- Stephenie Meyer 'New Moon'

i read a book,
and there was a boy like you.
it didn't work out.
and that,
that scares me.

of course i like you.
it's because i like you i dontwant to be with you. it's a
complicated emotion..
--finding nemo--

Catherine A. Porter once said " There seems to be a kind of order in the universe. In the movement of the stars, in the turning of the earth, and in the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts its own rights and feelings. Mistaking the motives of others. And his own." 

does it take more strength to live a lie, or say goodbye?

You can't run from something
that was never there.

"i'm in the shower just c'mon in when you get here"

"now, i dunno if she meant come in the house or go get in the shower with her"

hahahaha

That's the problem with women.

They run away from a guy hoping that he will follow,

but when he never comes back,

she wonders why she left in the first place.

 second chances ; sure i believe in them.but it's more about believing in the one that you'regiving the second chance to.but before you decide to actually give it to themsimply think - is it worth it?


Now you'll know what it feels like to bite your tongue. Now you'll know how it feels to be the one that walks around with a knot in your stomache. I've been there and I've done it. And now you'll know what it feels like to always be afraid of everything you wanted to say. Who's sorry now?


if you only knew half as much as you pretend to


A friend is someone who understands why you likeyour strawberry sodas without any strawberries in them* Charlie Brown *


you've got 3 choices in life.. .. give in .. give up .. or [ . give it your all . ]


We could only wonder how she would be able to dust herself off And start over over again. And yet we knew, we couldn't bear for her not to and felt ever more optomistic that after all her struggles. She would someday meet her man. Her equal a man with the same charisma, love of life,and humanity she possessed. In the meantime, she'd have her friends. And the knowledge that she deserved the world.


i'm so tired of the same old"what if's" and "someday"role you're playing over and over.how about you take your lonliness,stop your lame excuses, andturn this damn situation into theright now's."

       

post number forty one

sorry it's been so long readers. this week has been really stressful, and fantastic, and terrible..

although i must say everything has been going pretty friggin good with r, till yesterday. he's acting different.. but what can i do? wait it out

this house is positively the hardest to live in. that woman is insufferable, god help me.

doesn't even feel like christmas here anymore.. how am i supposed to feel festive?

my christmas party for work is tonight.. should be alright i suppose

i've been patient for so long..
how can i pretend to be so strong?

She is the type of girl that wishes on stars,
Even though she knows nothing will happen.
She still wants some hope, that her life will be better.
She wishes to be prettier, a stronger person.
But most of all, with tears running down her face,
She wishes for him.  

i've been told a million times before
that he isn't good enough for me.
but after all these times..
i'm starting to think maybe
i'm the one that's not good enough

what a brave little girl ;;
instead of adding to the drama like everyone else,
she decided to be different && not burden
the rest of the population with her problems ;;
she knows that in this world,
she's going to have to save herself

It's the simplest things
we tend to ignore,
when it's the simplest things,
that mean so much more.